TW depression
Aug. 5th, 2019 01:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minervadashwoodWell I come here in the midst of a depression that overshadows everything. a friend lied to me or betrayed me, i'm not sure which, and as a result my job prospects have shattered. i don't want to explain it; it's too painful to recount again. basically, a person told me i would be great for a job, and when that job was available, she gave it to someone else. i still have a job, but i don't have any hope of getting full time work.
today has been a great struggle. i could barely eat. i did manage to wash my bed linens. my anxiety was so bad last night that i sweat so much everything was soaked by the middle of the night.
i feel like i have a broken heart, honestly, though there is no romance related to this. but it feels like a great loss.
and the shootings have exacerbated my sadness. it seems like as a culture we have little control over our safety, and therefore our freedom. and i feel like i personally have no control over my life now. nothing to look forward to.
i spent the day trying to find something positive to watch. i managed some of dumplin, but like that movie, i've seen every "feel good" show/movie many times. today they couldn't work their magic.
it used to be, on days like this, i would rent movies. there was a great excitement of going to a video rental store, sticking to the cheap "old" releases, finding gems that would let me escape myself.
of course that isn't possible any more. finding a movie is a great labor, an overwhelming labor. algorithms show me what i may like, but it doesn't know what i need in the moment. in the moment i need confined possibility. the magic of happenstance.
there is so much about the world i don't like now. it's so easy to feel overwhelmed. i do. i can barely--on a good day--go to a supermarket. i like stores where i can stand in one corner and see its opposite. anything more is too much. i am confined to home and work. it didn't use to feel this way.
i've been thinking of writing again, and this helps some, but it is hard not to think what about me is USEFUL what about me can i SELL to survive. and that's not art, it's capitalism.
if you read this and have suggestions for positive distractions, pass them along.
today has been a great struggle. i could barely eat. i did manage to wash my bed linens. my anxiety was so bad last night that i sweat so much everything was soaked by the middle of the night.
i feel like i have a broken heart, honestly, though there is no romance related to this. but it feels like a great loss.
and the shootings have exacerbated my sadness. it seems like as a culture we have little control over our safety, and therefore our freedom. and i feel like i personally have no control over my life now. nothing to look forward to.
i spent the day trying to find something positive to watch. i managed some of dumplin, but like that movie, i've seen every "feel good" show/movie many times. today they couldn't work their magic.
it used to be, on days like this, i would rent movies. there was a great excitement of going to a video rental store, sticking to the cheap "old" releases, finding gems that would let me escape myself.
of course that isn't possible any more. finding a movie is a great labor, an overwhelming labor. algorithms show me what i may like, but it doesn't know what i need in the moment. in the moment i need confined possibility. the magic of happenstance.
there is so much about the world i don't like now. it's so easy to feel overwhelmed. i do. i can barely--on a good day--go to a supermarket. i like stores where i can stand in one corner and see its opposite. anything more is too much. i am confined to home and work. it didn't use to feel this way.
i've been thinking of writing again, and this helps some, but it is hard not to think what about me is USEFUL what about me can i SELL to survive. and that's not art, it's capitalism.
if you read this and have suggestions for positive distractions, pass them along.
