checking in
Aug. 6th, 2019 12:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minervadashwoodchecking in to ramble at the end of my day.
i had leftover tacos and made a pizza. didn't wash any dishes because my hand has been bothering me a lot.
continued reading HEIDI, which i am enjoying. i only read for a few moments here and there. the silence gets to me, and i need sensory distraction.
managed to find the anime, which is obviously the best adaptation. eps 1-16 are mine now. also found some movies from my childhood.
and wouldn't you know, i went through the equifax stuff and in an anxiety-filled hour tried to freeze my credit and maybe someone may have stolen my identity? i'm not sure yet. i have to get my credit report, but since i froze my credit report, i can't get one. i think that i will have to wait some time before i am mentally ready to look into it.
amazing race is on tv.
when i was 13 i took a trip to new york, but no one on the trip was my friend. i even had a bed to myself because no one partnered with me. on the way back, i kept falling asleep in the middle seat of the back row. the teacher had to make me sit with her or else i would have fallen forward. i did go to sleep again, but not the whole time. i then pretended to be asleep. on that trip i had a walkman, and the only tape i had was Chicago, 21, I think. many parts of that trip are memories i'll hold forever, not all of them negative. it was the first time i'd left home alone. a beautiful trip, really.
however, that's not the first time i went on a trip with no friends, and not the first time i pretended to sleep in front of a teacher so i wouldn't have to speak.
anyway, this reminds me that i was an extremely anxious child. it gets worse in adulthood. there are fewer places to hid and fewer safe spaces. also, i have to be "on" all day at work. school's not like that, or it wasn't. zoning out and doing my own thing was how i spent most of my day. of course, since i'm intelligent, this wasn't a problem. i'm sure that's not the case for everyone.
you know one thing freud tried was stream of consciousness stuff, to write everything a patient thought then analyze it. sometimes this thought of free writing scares me. i'll just go and go and go and nothing makes sense. it's like stirring up mud in a river. yeah, i brought out some thoughts i couldn't see, but now there's so many it's too cloudy to find my way out.
okay.
other things today:
finished amazing race season 14. this is my favorite season. a variety of teams and most of them i liked a lot.
played skyrim. it crashed once. i don't care. it keeps my hands busy without them hurting.
A called and it was nice to talk. home wednesday. i guess that's good. aside from that call i won't have verbally communicated with a human from saturday to wednesday. i barely notice. i don't feel lonely. and that's ok. it's okay to be alone.
bath with homemade salts and exfoliation. cerave lotion once i cooled down.
a little dehydrated. pizza was salty. will try to drink a bottle of water before bed.
this girl is racing with her grandma. season 16. i'll watch that now.
i had leftover tacos and made a pizza. didn't wash any dishes because my hand has been bothering me a lot.
continued reading HEIDI, which i am enjoying. i only read for a few moments here and there. the silence gets to me, and i need sensory distraction.
managed to find the anime, which is obviously the best adaptation. eps 1-16 are mine now. also found some movies from my childhood.
and wouldn't you know, i went through the equifax stuff and in an anxiety-filled hour tried to freeze my credit and maybe someone may have stolen my identity? i'm not sure yet. i have to get my credit report, but since i froze my credit report, i can't get one. i think that i will have to wait some time before i am mentally ready to look into it.
amazing race is on tv.
when i was 13 i took a trip to new york, but no one on the trip was my friend. i even had a bed to myself because no one partnered with me. on the way back, i kept falling asleep in the middle seat of the back row. the teacher had to make me sit with her or else i would have fallen forward. i did go to sleep again, but not the whole time. i then pretended to be asleep. on that trip i had a walkman, and the only tape i had was Chicago, 21, I think. many parts of that trip are memories i'll hold forever, not all of them negative. it was the first time i'd left home alone. a beautiful trip, really.
however, that's not the first time i went on a trip with no friends, and not the first time i pretended to sleep in front of a teacher so i wouldn't have to speak.
anyway, this reminds me that i was an extremely anxious child. it gets worse in adulthood. there are fewer places to hid and fewer safe spaces. also, i have to be "on" all day at work. school's not like that, or it wasn't. zoning out and doing my own thing was how i spent most of my day. of course, since i'm intelligent, this wasn't a problem. i'm sure that's not the case for everyone.
you know one thing freud tried was stream of consciousness stuff, to write everything a patient thought then analyze it. sometimes this thought of free writing scares me. i'll just go and go and go and nothing makes sense. it's like stirring up mud in a river. yeah, i brought out some thoughts i couldn't see, but now there's so many it's too cloudy to find my way out.
okay.
other things today:
finished amazing race season 14. this is my favorite season. a variety of teams and most of them i liked a lot.
played skyrim. it crashed once. i don't care. it keeps my hands busy without them hurting.
A called and it was nice to talk. home wednesday. i guess that's good. aside from that call i won't have verbally communicated with a human from saturday to wednesday. i barely notice. i don't feel lonely. and that's ok. it's okay to be alone.
bath with homemade salts and exfoliation. cerave lotion once i cooled down.
a little dehydrated. pizza was salty. will try to drink a bottle of water before bed.
this girl is racing with her grandma. season 16. i'll watch that now.
